New Year, new Chuck! I hope so! So I wrote my bad jokes, at
least make it look like you enjoy
Thursday, Pope Benedict XVI released a statement saying that
the internet was a “gift from God.” Al Gore went to twitter saying “you’re
welcome, but you don’t have to call me God.”
Doctors are warning kids and parents to stay away from “sizzurp.”
Sizzurp is made of soda, candy and prescription cough syrup with codeine, which
can be deadly. Doctor’s were criticized when they also came out and said, “For
christ’s sake can’t you just do whippits from whip cream like we used to do!”
The FBI announced Thursday that they arrested five mobsters
who were responsible for the 1978 Lufthansa heist at John F. Kennedy Airport,
in New York. The mobsters took off with $5 million in cash and $1million in jewels
in the cargo terminal. Yes the FBi is on top of things, 29 years after Henry
Hills book and 24 years after the film, Goodfellas,
chronicled and explained who stole the cargo!
Apple has announced the newest version of the i-phone will
have a larger screen. Now all geeks want
is a computer simulation like in “Her” so they don’t actually have to talk to a
real girl.
Justin Bieber could face deportation if convicted on his
pot, pills and alcohol charges. I think I speak for all Americans over the age
of reason and say, I will vote for whoever gets him deported.
A chemical used to color soft drinks is now considered
dangerous. Jeez, they going to tell us we can’t smoke next.
During Christmas time, Pope Francis visited his predecessor,
Emeritus Pope Benedict XVI, to give him his Christmas Card. Pope Benedict was
surprised to see all Christmas references replaces with Holiday and a note hand
written by Francis that read; “I can’t take this shit anymore, please come
back.”
TLC is airing a new show, “Sex sent me to the Hospital,”
which will feature a 440-pound virgin male who while having sex with his 110
girlfriend put her head through the wall giving her a concussion. That’s like
strapping yourself to the front of a tank and complaining when you go through a
wall. Sometimes you should just be on top.
KISS and Nirvana were the big bands announced as being
inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. The only thing we are not looking
forward to is more Courtney Love, we haven’t seen anything have that much bad
luck, well except the Detroit Lions.
A high school in Jacksonville Florida is changing its name
because the school was named after a former Ku Klux Klan leader. The board of
the predominately black student body voted 7-0 to change the name of Nathan B.
Forrest High School, because historical reports say he killed over 300 captured
black Union Soldiers. The Board said to make up for this awful distasteful
name, they have agreed to rename the High School: Kill Whitey High.
An independent review board has said that the National
Security Agency’s mass date collection program is illegal and should end. The
White House has come out and said they disagree and it was a misinterpretation.
President Obama said those people will
be dealt with and so will their families.
Federal Prosecutors have subpoenaed N.J. Governor Chris
Christie’s campaign and a Republican Party committee as part of their probe
into allegations that aides created traffic jams as political payback. Christie
announced the only wrong doing he did was to his calorie counter.
