Happy VD...do I mean VD or V.D.?????

Hello again!

Here are my weekly jokes, a few days late. Will try and do this again sometime next week! Some of these are a little dated, cause they are from last week.

The Affordable Care Act (ObamaCare) is partnering with TheOnion (satirical news site) to get the youth to buy insurance before the March 31 deadline. The people behind ObamaCare say the truth isn’t working so now they are just going to make shit up and make kids laugh to con them into buying health insurance.

Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones were seen arriving at the Super Bowl together. Their marriage seems to be getting stronger since the couple took on their new don’t eat, don’t tell policy.

Shia LaBeouf attended the Berlin premiere for the film, Nymphomaniac with a  bag over his head that saud, “I’m not famous anymore.” Nice to see the bag helped LaBeouf reached his emotional range that displayed in the film Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls.

As the Olympic games begin, many athletes and journalists are complaining about the conditions in Sochi.  The government is also telling athletes to be careful because of the terrorist threats. The Russian government said those in Sochi will be safe, admitting they have terrorists, hate gays and awful conditions but saying, “At least we aren’t Chicago.”

Subway has announced they are removing the chemical Azodiacarbonamide from their bread recipes after internet backlash.  The chemical is mostly found in yoga mats and is banned in Europe and other parts of the globe. Without thinking, McDonalds has just decided to go the cheap route and actually put pieces of yoga mats mixed in with their burgers, saying none of their customers will even notice the difference.

NBC has announced they are canceling Michael J. Fox’s show. 15 of the 22 episodes have aired, no word on if the rest will or not. Michael J. Fox released a statement saying he understands but was a little shaken up by the news.

CVS Caremark announced on Wednesday, that it would stop selling cigarettes and other tobacco products by Oct. 1, 2014. This is an effort for the company to become a more health conscious store. When asked if they would stop selling candy, soda and alcohol, CVS said, “Are you nuts, we don’t care that much about our customers.”

The city council of Chicago just added $1.9 billion to their already overbearing debt. The council agreed to borrow the money to pay for refinancing old debt, legal settlements and for Midway Airport. Apparently the City of Chicago is getting its money advice from M.C. Hammer!

A new study published in the JAMA Internal Medicine, examines how much sugar we consume through drinks and desserts.  The study showed that people who consume high amounts of added sugars were twice as likely to die from cardiovascular disease. A new study was also done on the amount of studies that are wasted to give us answers to things we already know. Ladies and Gentleman, this just in smoking is bad for you and eating too much fat will make you fat.

During his interview with Bill O’Reilly, President Obama said Fox news was unfair. When asked Obama said, “of course you are, Bill. But I like you anyways.” When asked why he thought they were unfair, the President said, “cause you don’t kiss my ass like cnn.”

Jay Leno said his final goodbye and Jimmy Fallon is set to make his premier as host of the Tonight Show. Fallon says he is ready to take over the Tonight Show and already has a deal with TNT for when Leno gets the Tonight Show back.

In an interview with Fox News Channel’s Bill O’Rielly, President Obama said his administration didn’t try to “hide the ball” following the Sept. 11, 2012 Benghazi attacks. The President told O’Rielly, “We revealed to the American people exactly what we understood at the time.” He then went on to say that if we were going to try and hide it, Hillary Clinton’s huge ass might be the place to start.

Atlanta is preparing for a horrible ice storm. Officials are warning that travel will soon be impossible and there will be significant power outages. To the people of Atlanta this is awful, to those in the Midwest its Tuesday.

I'm late but Happy New Year!

New Year, new Chuck! I hope so! So I wrote my bad jokes, at least make it look like you enjoy

 

Thursday, Pope Benedict XVI released a statement saying that the internet was a “gift from God.” Al Gore went to twitter saying “you’re welcome, but you don’t have to call me God.”

Doctors are warning kids and parents to stay away from “sizzurp.” Sizzurp is made of soda, candy and prescription cough syrup with codeine, which can be deadly. Doctor’s were criticized when they also came out and said, “For christ’s sake can’t you just do whippits from whip cream like we used to do!”

The FBI announced Thursday that they arrested five mobsters who were responsible for the 1978 Lufthansa heist at John F. Kennedy Airport, in New York. The mobsters took off with $5 million in cash and $1million in jewels in the cargo terminal. Yes the FBi is on top of things, 29 years after Henry Hills book and 24 years after the film, Goodfellas, chronicled and explained who stole the cargo!

Apple has announced the newest version of the i-phone will have a larger screen.  Now all geeks want is a computer simulation like in “Her” so they don’t actually have to talk to a real girl.

Justin Bieber could face deportation if convicted on his pot, pills and alcohol charges. I think I speak for all Americans over the age of reason and say, I will vote for whoever gets him deported.

A chemical used to color soft drinks is now considered dangerous. Jeez, they going to tell us we can’t smoke next.

During Christmas time, Pope Francis visited his predecessor, Emeritus Pope Benedict XVI, to give him his Christmas Card. Pope Benedict was surprised to see all Christmas references replaces with Holiday and a note hand written by Francis that read; “I can’t take this shit anymore, please come back.”

TLC is airing a new show, “Sex sent me to the Hospital,” which will feature a 440-pound virgin male who while having sex with his 110 girlfriend put her head through the wall giving her a concussion.  That’s like strapping yourself to the front of a tank and complaining when you go through a wall. Sometimes you should just be on top.

KISS and Nirvana were the big bands announced as being inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. The only thing we are not looking forward to is more Courtney Love, we haven’t seen anything have that much bad luck, well except the Detroit Lions.

A high school in Jacksonville Florida is changing its name because the school was named after a former Ku Klux Klan leader. The board of the predominately black student body voted 7-0 to change the name of Nathan B. Forrest High School, because historical reports say he killed over 300 captured black Union Soldiers. The Board said to make up for this awful distasteful name, they have agreed to rename the High School: Kill Whitey High.

An independent review board has said that the National Security Agency’s mass date collection program is illegal and should end. The White House has come out and said they disagree and it was a misinterpretation.  President Obama said those people will be dealt with and so will their families.

Federal Prosecutors have subpoenaed N.J. Governor Chris Christie’s campaign and a Republican Party committee as part of their probe into allegations that aides created traffic jams as political payback. Christie announced the only wrong doing he did was to his calorie counter.