Happy VD...do I mean VD or V.D.?????

Hello again!

Here are my weekly jokes, a few days late. Will try and do this again sometime next week! Some of these are a little dated, cause they are from last week.

The Affordable Care Act (ObamaCare) is partnering with TheOnion (satirical news site) to get the youth to buy insurance before the March 31 deadline. The people behind ObamaCare say the truth isn’t working so now they are just going to make shit up and make kids laugh to con them into buying health insurance.

Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones were seen arriving at the Super Bowl together. Their marriage seems to be getting stronger since the couple took on their new don’t eat, don’t tell policy.

Shia LaBeouf attended the Berlin premiere for the film, Nymphomaniac with a  bag over his head that saud, “I’m not famous anymore.” Nice to see the bag helped LaBeouf reached his emotional range that displayed in the film Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls.

As the Olympic games begin, many athletes and journalists are complaining about the conditions in Sochi.  The government is also telling athletes to be careful because of the terrorist threats. The Russian government said those in Sochi will be safe, admitting they have terrorists, hate gays and awful conditions but saying, “At least we aren’t Chicago.”

Subway has announced they are removing the chemical Azodiacarbonamide from their bread recipes after internet backlash.  The chemical is mostly found in yoga mats and is banned in Europe and other parts of the globe. Without thinking, McDonalds has just decided to go the cheap route and actually put pieces of yoga mats mixed in with their burgers, saying none of their customers will even notice the difference.

NBC has announced they are canceling Michael J. Fox’s show. 15 of the 22 episodes have aired, no word on if the rest will or not. Michael J. Fox released a statement saying he understands but was a little shaken up by the news.

CVS Caremark announced on Wednesday, that it would stop selling cigarettes and other tobacco products by Oct. 1, 2014. This is an effort for the company to become a more health conscious store. When asked if they would stop selling candy, soda and alcohol, CVS said, “Are you nuts, we don’t care that much about our customers.”

The city council of Chicago just added $1.9 billion to their already overbearing debt. The council agreed to borrow the money to pay for refinancing old debt, legal settlements and for Midway Airport. Apparently the City of Chicago is getting its money advice from M.C. Hammer!

A new study published in the JAMA Internal Medicine, examines how much sugar we consume through drinks and desserts.  The study showed that people who consume high amounts of added sugars were twice as likely to die from cardiovascular disease. A new study was also done on the amount of studies that are wasted to give us answers to things we already know. Ladies and Gentleman, this just in smoking is bad for you and eating too much fat will make you fat.

During his interview with Bill O’Reilly, President Obama said Fox news was unfair. When asked Obama said, “of course you are, Bill. But I like you anyways.” When asked why he thought they were unfair, the President said, “cause you don’t kiss my ass like cnn.”

Jay Leno said his final goodbye and Jimmy Fallon is set to make his premier as host of the Tonight Show. Fallon says he is ready to take over the Tonight Show and already has a deal with TNT for when Leno gets the Tonight Show back.

In an interview with Fox News Channel’s Bill O’Rielly, President Obama said his administration didn’t try to “hide the ball” following the Sept. 11, 2012 Benghazi attacks. The President told O’Rielly, “We revealed to the American people exactly what we understood at the time.” He then went on to say that if we were going to try and hide it, Hillary Clinton’s huge ass might be the place to start.

Atlanta is preparing for a horrible ice storm. Officials are warning that travel will soon be impossible and there will be significant power outages. To the people of Atlanta this is awful, to those in the Midwest its Tuesday.

I'm late but Happy New Year!

New Year, new Chuck! I hope so! So I wrote my bad jokes, at least make it look like you enjoy

 

Thursday, Pope Benedict XVI released a statement saying that the internet was a “gift from God.” Al Gore went to twitter saying “you’re welcome, but you don’t have to call me God.”

Doctors are warning kids and parents to stay away from “sizzurp.” Sizzurp is made of soda, candy and prescription cough syrup with codeine, which can be deadly. Doctor’s were criticized when they also came out and said, “For christ’s sake can’t you just do whippits from whip cream like we used to do!”

The FBI announced Thursday that they arrested five mobsters who were responsible for the 1978 Lufthansa heist at John F. Kennedy Airport, in New York. The mobsters took off with $5 million in cash and $1million in jewels in the cargo terminal. Yes the FBi is on top of things, 29 years after Henry Hills book and 24 years after the film, Goodfellas, chronicled and explained who stole the cargo!

Apple has announced the newest version of the i-phone will have a larger screen.  Now all geeks want is a computer simulation like in “Her” so they don’t actually have to talk to a real girl.

Justin Bieber could face deportation if convicted on his pot, pills and alcohol charges. I think I speak for all Americans over the age of reason and say, I will vote for whoever gets him deported.

A chemical used to color soft drinks is now considered dangerous. Jeez, they going to tell us we can’t smoke next.

During Christmas time, Pope Francis visited his predecessor, Emeritus Pope Benedict XVI, to give him his Christmas Card. Pope Benedict was surprised to see all Christmas references replaces with Holiday and a note hand written by Francis that read; “I can’t take this shit anymore, please come back.”

TLC is airing a new show, “Sex sent me to the Hospital,” which will feature a 440-pound virgin male who while having sex with his 110 girlfriend put her head through the wall giving her a concussion.  That’s like strapping yourself to the front of a tank and complaining when you go through a wall. Sometimes you should just be on top.

KISS and Nirvana were the big bands announced as being inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. The only thing we are not looking forward to is more Courtney Love, we haven’t seen anything have that much bad luck, well except the Detroit Lions.

A high school in Jacksonville Florida is changing its name because the school was named after a former Ku Klux Klan leader. The board of the predominately black student body voted 7-0 to change the name of Nathan B. Forrest High School, because historical reports say he killed over 300 captured black Union Soldiers. The Board said to make up for this awful distasteful name, they have agreed to rename the High School: Kill Whitey High.

An independent review board has said that the National Security Agency’s mass date collection program is illegal and should end. The White House has come out and said they disagree and it was a misinterpretation.  President Obama said those people will be dealt with and so will their families.

Federal Prosecutors have subpoenaed N.J. Governor Chris Christie’s campaign and a Republican Party committee as part of their probe into allegations that aides created traffic jams as political payback. Christie announced the only wrong doing he did was to his calorie counter.

sex in the news and scientology

I've actually have been writing jokes but not posting them on this blog. I don't know why, oh yeah it's cause I feel like I have no time. I mean work and looking for a new job, exercising like crazy and trying to maintain somewhat of a social life. Hey I hear Ryan Bruan has been suspended for the rest of the 2013 season. Somewhere Pete Rose is saying, "fuck I just should have cheated."

You will see some of these jokes are a little dated, I wrote them over the last two weeks but just kept forgetting to post them on this site.

*British Prime Minster David Cameron in a sure way not to get re-elected announced he is going after porn web sites which is "corroding childhood." But he said don't worry he will keep up the sites that post pictures of Pippa's ass!

*KTVU in Oakland CA, issued an apology after they wrongfully broadcasted fake names for the pilots of Asiana Flight 214, which crashed last week. KTVU claims an intern at the National Transportation Safety Board confirmed the names: Sum Ting Wong, Wi Tu Lo, Ho Lee Fuk and Bang, Ding Ow. KTVU reporters are now tweeting out: Wi Fukd Up, Nee Nu Job and Wi Ben Suid.

*Lenin Carballido, was elected as the Mayor of Mexico City but is in trouble after a fake death certificate turned up that his family members used to pass to authorities to get Carballiao out of a warrant for a gang rape. The statue of limitations are not up on the gang rape. Mexican President, Enrique Pena Nieto said he expects Mexican politicians to act in a responsible and respectful manor, not like those in the U.S. with these “Chicago-like politics.”

*A Chicago nightclub was cited for allowing an underage Justin beiber in the 21 and older club, Chicago police arrived on the scene to find Beiber drinking alcohol. No word on if the United Nations will cite Justin’s parents for allowing him to become the world’s biggest douche.

*Dora Anna Gutierrez was arrested for taping 3-pounds of cocaine to her ass, an estimated worth of $24,000 in Arizona. She was trying to sneak the drugs into Arizona at the U.S. Mexican border. Police became suspicious when she told them she was doing an impression of a dog but literally began licking her own ass, for five minutes.

*Pope Francis has made a law that prohibits adults from sexually or physically abusing children on Vatican grounds.  As for the Churches, rectories or other grounds that Priests may be in, the Pope said the Vatican will continue its “no tell” policy.

*Actress Leah Remini, star of King of Queen, has reportedly quit the Church of Scientology after years of “interrogations” and questing the cult’s leader David Miscavige. E News, Biography Channel and 60 Minutes are all already starting to prep on the disappearance and death of Remini for when she goes missing and is found dead, if her body is found. Tom Cruise has already issued a statement saying, “I’ve never heard of her, never saw any t.v. show she was in and you will never she whoever this girl again.” That tweet was deleted and replaced with “Leah, you will be missed…RIP.” Tom is also demanding that all reruns of King of Queens, have Leah replaced with another actress.  John Travolta was asked for a comment and he said, “I don’t know that young man and I never paid him for sex.”

*Sarah Palin announced she is considering a US Senate run in 2014. The good news is that if elected it will guarantee a sequel to highly popular movie about Ms. Palin. Rumors are already circulating about the name: “Nalin Palin double penetration” “Nailin Palin, cums back for more” “Nailin Pailin, fucks Washington” or “Nailin Pailin, takes on D(icks).(&) C(um).” (figure out how to pronounce that yourself)

Either way, Julianne Moore better get a lot of money for that sequel, she is going to have more dicks in her than New York elected officials tweet out.

*Did Geraldo Rivera really just tweeting a half nude shot of himself, tell him when you look like Grampa from the Simpsons you shouldn't be tweeting out half naked pics. Actually no joke the 70 year old looks like he really takes care of himself and works out and eat right. If I had a body like that at 70, I would tweet out pics too. Who am I kidding, if I had a body like that now I would tweet out pics. So Geraldo, good for you, fuck them...although you could have pulled the towel up just a little...

Okay, I'm out. Hopefully I will post soon... but just in case have a happy Halloween!

Obama's had a bad week!

*Angelina Jolie admitted she had a double mastectomy because she carried a gene that increased her rick of breast cancer. No word on if Brad Pitt will wear them in vials around his neck.


*According to New York Post sources, Bill and Hillary Clinton will not be supporting Anthony Weiner for New York City Mayor. Weiner was kicked out of his office as a U.S. Representative after he tweeted photos of himself to a 21-year-old woman. This must be the first time, Bill isn’t putting his little Weiner out for everyone to see.

*President Obama came out Monday and said that the IRS intentionally targeting conservative groups was “outrageous and there’s no place for it.” But right after President tweeted, “but good job and keep up the hard work.”

*Crossfit South Brooklyn, a New York gym is causing controversy for a crossfit class aimed at women. The class has been named Tough Titday. Feminists groups are outraged while men in the neighborhood want to merge Tough Titday with Weiner Wednesday and come to a happy ending.

(A suburban Chicago teacher died this week, at Wrigleyfile after choking on a hotdog. It’s not the first time someone choked and died in Wrigleyfield, just look at the last 105 years of baseball.

*The American Heart Association published information that said owning a dog was “probably associated” with a lower risk of heart disease. The data also released said that single men owning a cat will probably increase the risk of you being creepy and dying alone.

*Debate rages on between Rublican leaders and the Obama administration over the Benghazi’s attackes on Sept. 11. Questions arose about whether Hilary Clinton used the term “extremist” or “terrorist.” Now we should all know by now the Clinton’s have their own interpretation of the meanings of words, such as “extremists” and “sexual relations.”

*Attorney General Eric Holder will testify over the Associated Press probe. Is it me or is he a stand in for Stedman Graham, Oprah’s boyfriend. Pictures of Holder have been going around the internet of Holder making strange/funny faces like this one

http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://f05cff0b8dde4b14dcbb-39ae6c0e90f9ab066a65187af475ed6d.r73.cf2.rackcdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/campaign-political-gamesmanship.jpg&imgrefurl=http://frontpagemag.com/2013/arnold-ahlert/eric-holder-the-culture-of-corruption-enforcer/&h=2406&w=3636&sz=4755&tbnid=TX-XApXAK_llRM:&tbnh=93&tbnw=140&prev=/search%3Fq%3Deric%2Bholder%26tbm%3Disch%26tbo%3Du&zoom=1&q=eric+holder&usg=__2WwfWnNBo8m5K67-4cvr2Ecpw4c=&docid=wlKfI0sF9o7h-M&sa=X&ei=tsqTUYL4A4LdyAG34oHABg&ved=0CI4BEP4dMBI



Do you think that is the same face, Stedman makes when asked if Oprah is gay? Or if you believe she is straight, think that is the same face Stedman makes when Oprah wants to have sex?!?!?!?



*N.J. Gov. Christee said one of the reasons he underwent lap-band surgery in February was he would often get upset when his clothes wouldn’t fit. Boy that’s a sight, naked Christie beating the crap out of his pants cause they wont go all the way up.

*Two women were arrested in Florida after leaving their children (six and eight) along on the beach while they partied on a “booze-cruise” which lasted a few hours. The women claimed they left the child with a babysitter, who denied being asked to watch the children. A tweet saying, “At least they didn’t kill their children then go party,” by Casey Anthony drew some criticism.

*A recent study of Minnesota Lakes found that 32-percent of the lakes have traces of cocain in them while 76-percent have DEET, the insect repellent. In related news, Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes have tweeted that they are moving to Minnesota.

Spring is here, now read these

Hey new week, new set of bad jokes...

The Obama administration will unveil the new shorter application for health insurance benefits for the federal health care overhaul. Previously the application was too long and complex. Now the application only asks one question, which white person is to pay for your bills.


Carolyn Moos, the former WNBA star was once engaged to Jason Collin’s said she had no idea that Jason was gay. The most surprising news of this story is there was a straight female in the WNBA.

Five sets of twins were born in one Montana maternity ward in just five hours. The crazy part, they all came out of Kim Kardashian.

Shermain Miles, 51, a Chicago woman has been arrested 396 times since 1978 and has 83 aliases. Those include 92 for theft, 65 for disorderly conduct and 59 for prostitution. Police say she has been arrested so many times, they don’t know what to charge her with so instead the city announced she is running for office.

A condom maker has invented a battery powered underwear that vibrates with a smart phone app. Men everywhere are scared because they know the only reason they are now needed, is to kill bugs.

The National Hispanic Foundation for the Arts is upset at Barbie, the creators of Barbie have come out with Dolls of the World Collection but they feel the dolls are showing stereotypes. Barbie said that is nonsense and showed the picture of the new Mexico Barbie which featured a shirt that says “illegal” and comes with a switchblade.

Doctor’s are telling teens do not try the cinnamon challenge, which you are bared to swallow a spoonful of cinnamon within a minute. Last year 222 people were brought to the e.r. after attempting this challenge. The only other substance that has sent more people to the hospital, Charlie Sheen’s sperm.

Ford has announced a new brand to be sold exclusively in China, the Ford Escort. The stylish car promises to help those who can’t see properly but will ultimately screw them in the end.

Doctors have found that playing Tetris could help those with lazy eyes. Just what every female wants to hear, male telling them playing video games is good for them.

A Columbia, South Carolina rapper by the name of Pimp Stick Quezzy is facing 12 years in prison for pleading guilty for being a pimp. He had a dozen of his prostitutes get tattoos of his name, “Quezzy.” Police said the women also had tattoos of his face, phone number and twitter account on them.

Farrah Abraham, the former star of teen mom allegedly sold her porno tape to Vivid Entertainment for over $1 million. Has Abraham done anything in which she didn’t spread her legs?

Yeah, At It Again

So I know I never update this blog and I've said a thousand times that I was going to try and do it again only to fail. So here is my latest attempt at resurrecting by previously-non-existent blogging career.


I give you some headline news jokes, from the last week. Most are awful, some are funny. But this was hard after not doing it for a long time. Hey, again, it's funnier then Leno. All of the news items were actual stories I found somewhere online.

A man in New Mexico was arrested and charged with solicitation for picking up a woman on the side of the road, buying her McDonald’s and heading to a nearby park to have sex with the woman. I just hope there was no special sauce on those two beef patties.

Scientists say they have found a way to cure alcoholism. Scientists used hypnosis-like suggestions and implanted the memory of the worst hangover known to man, the subject friends pretent to remember the night as well. The results of the project were not expected, when all six subject starting using cocaine and went to twitter to quit their job on two and a half men

Justin Beiber tweeted after visiting the Ann Frank museum about Ann being a fan. Beiber tweeted saying that it was inspiring to be at the museum and “Ann was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a belieber.” Beiber also said, Ann would have been cool with Beiber, but the bitch Helen Keller wouldn’t have been a Beliber.

A Detroit professor said that Catholics who promote same sex marriages should not receive holy Communion, saying it would “logically bring shame for a double-dealing that is not unlike perjury. But Catholic priests who molest little boys are still good to pass out Holy Communion.

Two infants were diagnosed with herpes and one with HIV after being circumcised in New York. The ultra-Orthodox Jewish ceremony includes the Mohel (practitioner) places his mouth around the penis to “cleanse” the wound and suck away the blood. According to new doctrine, priests are now allowed to fuck little children complaining of upset stomachs so the priests can clean the passageway with his cum.

A Phoenix firefighter is suing the city for sexual harassment. The officer said after complaining of graffiti in the firehouse he was subjected to an interoffice mail with penis and vagina pasts and his name on the vagina noodle. The city of Phoenix issued a statement saying, “We wish this never got to this point but we feel this firefighter is an even bigger pussy that before.

Students in India have developed “rape prevention underwear.” The underwear features GPS technology and can deliver a 3,800 volt of electricity, which is located near the woman’s breasts. Wow so much for getting to second base on the first date, I mean what if the girl spills water of herself.

Christopher Abbott is leaving the HBO girls. Now if we can only get the viewing audience to follow.

A Bronx woman was stabbed 40 times this week when an intruder attacked her in the stair case of her building. She told police the reason she believe she survived was because she doesn’t drink large soda pops.

Target upset customer by selling a plus size dress a “manatee gray.” Yes, they also announced “elephant light gray, hippopotamus blue and kim kardashian fat carmel.”

A man in the U.K. was arrested for “intoxicated” driving because he was listening to drum and bass. U.K. officials also said they will be arresting those listening to Kenny G with sleeping while driving and disturbing the peace.

Roasts Are More Like A Simmer Lately

I watched the Roast of Roseanne last night and while funny, these comedy central toasts seem to be missing something lately. What I think they are missing, is funny comedians.


When you think of classic roasts, you have to think of the Dean Martini celebrity Roasts, yes I am referring to those late night infomercials. They had top list actors, movie and tv stars, musicians and most importantly comedians. These comedy central roasts seem to be lacking all of the above.

The “dais” for the Roseanna roast was filled with people who had something to do with Roseanna. Carrie Fisher and Ellen Barkin, were people that they she worked with, I think. That’s the point, we should have got John Goodman, Laurie Metcalf or one of the kids from her show to talk about Roseanne on set or the differences in her as the show went on and they got older. There should have been someone who could have talked about Roseanne during those years where she really was on top of the comedic world. Instead, we got Katey Sagal, who was actually funny, but she was playing a similar character on a competing show.

The other part of the dais was made up of comedians and roast regulars such as, Gilbert Gottfried, Wayne Brady, Seth Green, Anthony Jeselnik, Amy Schumer, Tom Arnold, Jeff Ross and Jane Lynch hosting.

Each had their good jokes no one was bad but there is still something missing from these last few roasts. One of my main problems with them is that they seem tamer, like the real funny stuff is being edited out. Comedians are being censored more lately because God forbid a comedian would say something offensive. Now I am not saying some of the things comedians said lately were not a little over the line. Dane Cook made a rape joke that was directed towards a heckler. Dane’s joke was a little over the top, but most of Dane’s jokes are pretty bad. I get it hecklers are probably awful to deal with. The last two stand-up shows I went to had hecklers and it was getting annoying. But the stand-ups didn’t really insult them, well maybe a few whore jokes but that’s what you get.

Jeff Ross made a joke about the Aurora shootings that was censored by Comedy Central. I didn’t really have a problem with his joke: “Seth, congratulations. This is actually a great night for you. You haven’t gotten this much attention since you shot all those people in Aurora…I’m Kidding. You are not James Holmes. At least he did something in a movie theater that people will remember.”

Now obviously what happened that night in Aurora was a terrible tragedy. I personally don’t have a problem with this joke, it was more making fun of Seth Green then it was the shooting. Does it push that decency line? Yes. Is it insensitive? I don’t think so. When I read it, I laughed and said that’s bad but funny. Ross also showed up to the event in Penn State gear with half naked men. Again the Penn State situation is awful and I believe everyone got what they deserved. But what Ross did was funny.

Ross and Gottfried were the best part of the roast. I guess my problem is these “daises” are getting people we never heard of. I think people like Jeslnik and Schumer are funny but they aren’t that funny. They both had jokes that were good but I didn’t think some of their jokes were that funny. And Wayne Brady and Seth Green? I actually like Seth, he does funny stuff but I don’t think he is the best choice for a roast. I want to see more in your face, top of the line comedians on these daises. Bring in Artie Lang, Dave Attell, Joe Rogan, Louis CK, Patton Oswalt, Robin Williams, DL Hughley, Martin Lawerence or Jim Gaffigan. I know some of those I named have been on some roasts before but Comedy Central needs to bring in some better talent. I think that has been what was missing from Charlie Sheen, Roseanne and Donald Trump’s Roasts. The talent they get is good but I want it to be better, just like the show. I enjoyed the roasts but they are not as funny as they have been in years past.

The last three have been lackluster and I would like to see them get better because Roasts are funny. And I hate to say it but bring back Whitney Cummings.