Here are my weekly jokes, a few days late. Will try and do this again sometime next week! Some of these are a little dated, cause they are from last week.
The Affordable Care Act (ObamaCare) is partnering with
TheOnion (satirical news site) to get the youth to buy insurance before the
March 31 deadline. The people behind ObamaCare say the truth isn’t working so
now they are just going to make shit up and make kids laugh to con them into
buying health insurance.
Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones were seen arriving
at the Super Bowl together. Their marriage seems to be getting stronger since
the couple took on their new don’t eat, don’t tell policy.
Shia LaBeouf attended the Berlin premiere for the film,
Nymphomaniac with a bag over his head that saud, “I’m not famous
anymore.” Nice to see the bag helped LaBeouf reached his emotional range that
displayed in the film Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls.
As the Olympic games begin, many athletes and journalists
are complaining about the conditions in Sochi. The government is also
telling athletes to be careful because of the terrorist threats. The Russian government
said those in Sochi will be safe, admitting they have terrorists, hate gays and
awful conditions but saying, “At least we aren’t Chicago.”
Subway has announced they are removing the chemical
Azodiacarbonamide from their bread recipes after internet backlash. The
chemical is mostly found in yoga mats and is banned in Europe and other parts
of the globe. Without thinking, McDonalds has just decided to go the cheap
route and actually put pieces of yoga mats mixed in with their burgers, saying
none of their customers will even notice the difference.
NBC has announced they are canceling Michael J. Fox’s show.
15 of the 22 episodes have aired, no word on if the rest will or not. Michael
J. Fox released a statement saying he understands but was a little shaken up by
the news.
CVS Caremark announced on Wednesday, that it would stop
selling cigarettes and other tobacco products by Oct. 1, 2014. This is an
effort for the company to become a more health conscious store. When asked if
they would stop selling candy, soda and alcohol, CVS said, “Are you nuts, we
don’t care that much about our customers.”
The city council of Chicago just added $1.9 billion to their
already overbearing debt. The council agreed to borrow the money to pay for
refinancing old debt, legal settlements and for Midway Airport. Apparently the
City of Chicago is getting its money advice from M.C. Hammer!
A new study published in the JAMA Internal Medicine,
examines how much sugar we consume through drinks and desserts. The study
showed that people who consume high amounts of added sugars were twice as
likely to die from cardiovascular disease. A new study was also done on the
amount of studies that are wasted to give us answers to things we already know.
Ladies and Gentleman, this just in smoking is bad for you and eating too much
fat will make you fat.
During his interview with Bill O’Reilly, President Obama
said Fox news was unfair. When asked Obama said, “of course you are, Bill. But
I like you anyways.” When asked why he thought they were unfair, the President
said, “cause you don’t kiss my ass like cnn.”
Jay Leno said his final goodbye and Jimmy Fallon is set to
make his premier as host of the Tonight Show. Fallon says he is ready to take
over the Tonight Show and already has a deal with TNT for when Leno gets the
Tonight Show back.
In an interview with Fox News Channel’s Bill O’Rielly, President
Obama said his administration didn’t try to “hide the ball” following the Sept.
11, 2012 Benghazi attacks. The President told O’Rielly, “We revealed to the
American people exactly what we understood at the time.” He then went on to say
that if we were going to try and hide it, Hillary Clinton’s huge ass might be
the place to start.
Atlanta is preparing for a horrible ice storm. Officials are
warning that travel will soon be impossible and there will be significant power
outages. To the people of Atlanta this is awful, to those in the Midwest its
Tuesday.
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